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This holiday was very different from any other year.

For someone who lives in the moment and is in a constant state of gratitude, I would be lying if I said it was easy. After the sudden death of a family member, I was dreading Thanksgiving. You know, that Holiday you suppose to be thankful for. All I could think about was my sister and her family. How could I dare call or send a message saying “Happy Thanksgiving.” It was awkward. I wanted this day gone so fast, that I still remember getting sick that night. I kept myself busy as you already know, I get through this stuff with projects. 

I knew right around the corner I was going to deal with Hanukkah and Christmas.

This year would mark the first year I would be without my family since my mother died at the age of sixteen. I did muster up to send messages to my family wishing them a Happy Holiday, but in my gut I felt guilty using the word Happy or Merry. It just didn’t feel right. When I know my family is still mourning the death of my nephew.

A close friend of mine knows me well and knows how I get through tough times with my self-care therapy and keeping busy in my project world of healing. So I spent a lot of time with her in the Bay Area, doing one project after another. She makes me laugh, cooked me incredible meals and got me moving and exercising. Don’t think for one minute I was not secretly wishing my family would reach out.

The shutdown of the communication between my family and I was so odd to me. I guess everyone is dealing with it all differently. Grief is a very odd sensation. Not able to hold, hug, and be in the same room with my loved ones is like prolonged reprieve energy that doesn’t go away. I long for a deep connection with them. So I am forever always plucking the better feeling thoughts.

A complete landslide is the only way to describe how I am feeling.

And guess what? It’s okay for me to feel this way. It is alright for me to not be into this thing called the Holidays. It really puts things into perspective of what’s really important and what’s not.

As you know from a couple of articles ago, I talk about my health issues and how out of wack my hormones were. It’s a battle for sure. It’s all about staying committed and tweaking the herbs and meds. I’m getting there, one step at a time. But this made everything even more intense for me this season. 

Because I have that alchemist blood going through my veins, I started to think and map out 2021. I will talk more about my manifestations later in my next article.

I just want you to know it is okay not to be lit up and on all the time.

It is okay to give yourself the well deserved time you need. Don’t let the mainstream affect you. You do you and you will be pleasantly surprised, it will always work out the way it was meant to be. I learned a while back fighting the universe doesn’t serve me well, so I go with the flow. Overthinking is a complete waste of your time. 

Life isn’t always blissful and sometimes not fair, but I know it is preparing me to be better and molding me to be stronger than I could ever imagine. I’m not foolish, I know that there will be more curveballs. Just to set the record straight, the balls will bounce back, and I will pick up the pieces a lot faster and be more methodical in my process.

Keep on being you. Keep doing the things that spark joy in you!

In a constant state of gratitude

-Kerry Romano Zall

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