Stephanie Y Jolivet should may be the most dangerous word in the English language
think about it… how many times have you said to yourself, “i should be able to” do this, or feel that, or like a thing, or keep up with whatever?
and the same for our partners and kids: “my partner should know this by now!” or “should my kid be doing this or that already?”
why do we do this? what is that sentiment based around? as i see it, it’s due to 3 things that we need to leg go of:
1. EXPECTATIONS
“but what’s wrong with having expectations, stephanie?”
well, actually nothing at all is wrong with them – it’s not really a moral issue, and that’s part of zee problem (i’ll get to that in the second point).
but where do expectations come from? why do we have them? as i say to my clients, we come to class different every day, so why do we expect to be the same? to have expectations is to live in the PAST not the NOW, to REMEMBER what it USED to be, not to RECOGNIZE how it actually IS.
here’s an example – i have a yoga trapeze, and i had a moment to myself the other day sans bébé. GREAT! i’ll do a pull up. only… it didn’t quite work out the way i expected. ? and DUH! i haven’t even wanted to practice them for nearly 14 months, and i just had a baby! i was living in my past body, not this one now.
but hey – it was a learning moment for me. instead of berating myself for not being able to do the thing i wanted to do, i just laughed and recognized that now i have something to look forward to practicing again.
2. RIGHT/WRONG BINARY
pretty much whenever there’s a this or that situation, we need already to be on alert, ready to question why there are only two choices (unless of course you have a baby or toddler and need them to sleep/change a diaper/get ready for a bath, etc. etc. etc.).
here’s some “should”s to bring to our attention: “i SHOULD workout today, but i’m really tired and sore”… “i SHOULD choose a salad for lunch, but i
really want a sandwich”… “i SHOULD finish one last email, but i really
need a nap”.
i’m here to tell ya this –
there is nothing moral about choosing to rest when our body asks for it!
there is nothing moral about choosing to eat bread!
there is nothing moral about sleeping when you feel sleepy!
when we feel we SHOULD do something, or LIKE something or FEEL something there’s probably an unspoken “moral” code of conduct lurking behind. of course, there are always extenuating circumstances (for example, mon mari, Ludo has a high intolerance for gluten; he feels real bad when he eats it so probably needs to avoid it); but if it comes out of some kind of anthropomorphic guilt of being “bad” or not “good” for us – RUN!
3. OBLIGATION
saying “should” about something presupposes an obligation. and you know what an obligation is? A DEBT.
relationships – to ourselves, with our partners and kiddos, to food and exercise – are not monetary obligations.
to be obliged is to be under the rule of exchange; to be in someone’s debt is to be under their power.
taking a nap when we “should” be working…
avoiding bread and carbs because someone said we “should” to lose weight…
going to the gym when we don’t really want to because we “should”…
these are all things that look to a “higher power” that “knows best”. you know who knows best? YOU & YOUR BODY!
FINAL THOUGHTS
the moral (pun intended) of this here lil’ diatribe here?
most likely when you hear yourself say you SHOULD do something, you SHOULDN’T. and vice versa. especially if you take a moment to reflect on why.
if there’s any hint of EXPECTATION, RIGHT/WRONG, or OBLIGATION
you have your answer.
instead of should-ing ourselves into or out of our desires, let’s stop feeling guilty about those wants and needs. babies sure don’t!! we come into this world with zeroshoulds as my #tinyhuman reminds me – and now, i hope US – and thank the universe for that lesson.
