Going through Darkness Together

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I was feeling off the last few weeks. I had several days of migraines and my joints were hurting. There was a lack of flow in my business and I had more days than usual of falling behind on my daily tasks and habits. It was as if there was sand in all my gears and the actions I took seemed to grind along rather than flow smoothly.

 The shadow version of her husband

It made me cranky and sapped my usual energy, aliveness, and sensuality. I withdrew into myself as the volume and harshness of my internal “Judge” became magnified (it got nasty in my head). All of which definitely made me less fun to be around for Sonika. She was living with the shadow version of her husband.

 She was amazing, though. Somehow, she found it in herself to keep loving me. She didn’t push me, criticize me, or put me down. I would have understood if she did, since that’s what I was doing on the inside. I was half expecting her to call me a “piece of …”, but she never did.

 “I miss my man”

Eventually it had an impact on her. She felt the absence of me, of her man. In our usual dynamic, she can relax inside my even-keeled, masculine presence and we both feel securely held. When I withdraw my energy and “go dark”, she instinctively steps more into her own masculine side, as if to say, “Well, if he’s not here, it’s up to me to take care of everything. I can’t count on anything from him, so I better protect myself”.

 I saw this happen and it hurt to watch the negative impact I had on my beloved. It fueled my shame to see that I was influencing her to guard herself. Initially, that made me withdraw even more.

 Still, she didn’t gets mad or put it in my face. All she said was, “I miss my man!” And I got it. I missed him too.

 One morning, I woke up with another migraine, and as the tension built in my head, I knew I couldn’t hold it inside anymore. I went to her, put my head on her shoulder and had a good cry. She didn’t say anything, just kept her arms around me. She knows me well; it’s all I needed. Nothing else needed to be said, but I felt the tension leaking from me, relief flooding in.

 Love-make our way back together

We’ve been through many agonies and shut-downs together. We knew there was still a piece missing. As we lay in bed that night, she reached over and gave me a kiss. Not just a goodnight peck, a real kiss. Neither of us had wanted to initiate that for a couple of weeks, but we knew we needed to in order to find our way back to each other. Feeling life energy return to my body, I kissed her back. We kept kissing until that’s all there was; our bodies knew exactly what to do. Afterwards we held each other tight for a long while. We still felt raw, but our deep heart connection had been restored.

I am beyond blessed to have a woman like Sonika who meets my shadowy withdrawal and darkness with love and patience. Even as she felt her own sadness of my absence, she knew it was temporary. She knew that no amount of scorn or pushing would get me back faster. She knew I was already scorning and pushing myself. She knew that I knew I was off and that I wasn’t helping either of us. All she said was, “I miss my man” and I love her for it with all my heart.

 We both knew and trusted that boundless love is the truth between us. We knew we’d eventually love-make our way back to that state and once again resume our beautiful dance.

 If you’re blessed with a partner who can stay present and loving with you even as you go through your own down days, don’t forget to tell them how much that means to you.  

And if you ever need some support with your masculine-feminine dynamics, reach out to us.


We believe relationships are meant to be an empowering, fun, passionate, safe place to grow, love, and learn. Where we get to be more of who we are, not less. We know it’s not always easy, but it can definitely be easier! With our unique and practical approach to relationship, you learn how to resolve conflicts quickly and enjoy fulfilling intimacy for the rest of your life. To learn more or contact us, visit www.loveworkssolution.com.

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Christian Pedersen

Sonika Tinker, MSW & Christian Pedersen

We are a married couple, husband/wife team, who have devoted our lives to studying and teaching love and relationship, and we are still happy and in love after many years of being together (we walk our talk).

Our clients say we are wise, experienced relationship master trainers and relationship experts – we like to think of ourselves as “relationship awesome-izers”.

We are the co-owners of LoveWorks, a leading-edge transformational relationship training company, where we daily delight in empowering couples and singles to transform their relationships from stuck to soaring in a fun, positive, and practically useful way.