Stephanie Y Jolivet i’ve never felt so completely grounded AND lost at the same time… at least since adolescence.
see there’s this thing that i’m going through as a new mama called “matrescence”. it’s a transitory period much like adolescence where your body and hormones and feelings are all hyped up & seemingly out of control.
the difference between the two? as Alexandra Sacks MD, Parenting Contributer for the NY Times, puts it – “Everyone understands that adolescence is an awkward phase. But during matrescence, people expect you to be happy while you’re losing control over the way you look and feel.”
(check out the full article here)
now that Justin-Thilou and i have been together earthside for 9 months, and i am feeling a bit more sure-footed in my own mama-hood, it seems a perfect time to go home, to root down into the foundations of my being and strengthen that hold once again. because even so, babies change all the time! i even find myself wondering how “transitory” this matrescence phase really is – do mother’s (and parents for that matter) ever outgrow a phase that is constantly in flux as babies become infants become kiddos become teens become adults etc. etc.? luckily for me, i am a mover, and movement provides precisely that balance that i so desire and need en ce moment because the thought i just expressed can be an overwhelming one, indeed.
it’s not like i’m not happy or content or joyful or in awe of Justin-Thilou and this life Ludo and i have here in the lovely, Saussay-la-Campagne, France, ville of 500 people. every night as i lay my baby next to me in bed, i alight on the thought, “i’m so grateful to have spent another day with you.” that certainly helps me root down into the tangibility of this experience. i still have my own growing pains, but even they are tempered by the knowledge that i need to get my feelings out too. mother/child is a relationship, after all.
it’s just strange, really, to know exactly what you have to do each day – all the necessities of eating, sleeping, napping, playing, resting, going to the bathroom, changing clothes, breathing to remain calm, holding, carrying, simply being there – led by this tiny being with a personality and rhythm all of his own; and yet be lost in a kind of surreal understanding that this is my life. that i created this life (in all its senses), and yet i am completely changed in ways that are simply and deeply felt, not necessarily easily expressed in other modes, like language, for example.
so i’m grounded in the daily moments, literally surrounded by GAIA in all her glory of la campagne, the ground, earth, agriculture, mud, dirt, growing things, les fleurs, un jardin, les arbres. it makes the symmetry of the growing baby even more real: we witness des betteraves (beets) and du lin (linen plants) and du blé (wheat) grow and shift and change on our daily walks/naps.
and yet, sometimes i still feel lost.
at first I didn’t. when Justin-Thilou came earthside I KNEW him. that first night Ludo thanked me for knowing what to do because he was a bit out of it (he was an incredible partner through 36 hours of le travail, labor!) and then those first 6 weeks at home – after nearly a week at the maternity with the sage femmes showing me how to care for this little life were, uh, full of emotions to say the least! ?
the hormones, the fatigue, the newness of parenthood all led to feelings of anxiety and a lack of self-confidence. and for me, who, for the bulk of my adult life had those 2 things “in the bag”, well, it was really strange to be knocked back to a state of palpable uncertainty. it’s as if i didn’t always know where my edges were, because, well, they’ve expanded to include another living being. now, feeling out my edges doesn’t feel so foreign. Justin-Thilou is an extension of me, and I am expanded with his ever-growing, ever-shifting life. even living here in France doesn’t feel so foreign!
the sense of “feeling lost” has undergone a significant shift too. i still have my moments, generally if i made a choice that didn’t allow for enough sleep or rest (scrolling on IG instead of closing my eyes with Justin-Thilou, par example). now, i’m lost in this being – both in the sense of the #tinyhuman himself, and simply existing in mother-parent-adult-provider-hood. i’m no longer lost in the sense of “lost my way”; it’s more like, “lost in a daydream”, devoid of direct thinking-ness and more simply,being-ness. and definitely lost in those big, bright eyes of this baby angel, starseed, mon fils, Justin-Thilou.
