I thought “everyone would be okay without me”

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I thought “everyone would be okay without me”.

Navigating through menopause Isn’t easy and in fact, this is why I am writing this. I don’t want anyone out there feeling or going through what I did. I felt all alone and thought something serious was wrong with me. It sneaks up on you like a thief in the night and robs you of your self-dignity. It steals everything you were and you are forced to learn to love this new person that you now have become. I don’t want you to feel alone. Menopause affects every woman, and yet so many approach it with shame, fear, misinformation, or silence. Why is no one talking about this? 

As I reflect back on this past year, I would have to say it was a rough one!

I’m just going to jump right in and spill it. I was depleted. Others might call it depressed. I would call it detached. For someone coming from so much energy to none, it is a lot. I felt tired, had brain fog, and bloating in my stomach. And one day I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a growing second chin staring right back at me! I had no energy, but somehow I felt the little I had, I should share out with others in return. It left nothing for myself. Some days I found myself staring into space and not knowing how the hours had passed me by. Laundry piled up and I had no energy to even make my bed. Things that I saw that were out of place became their new home. My brain would say to move those things that are in the corner, but my body said something different. Emails were stacked until I had thousands. Yes, you heard me correctly. My farm was being neglected. I would see projects that needed attention, but all I had energy for was to walk 200 feet to feed my chickens and collect eggs. 

 Why was this happening to me? Deadlines came and went. In 2020, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s disease and menopause. Yes, I got the double whammy. Can you guess what they gave me? Paxil! Do you know what that is? Paroxetine (Paxil) is an antidepressant used for treating a variety of mental health conditions in adults including depression, anxiety, and panic disorder. So why did they give this to me? Because the western medicine world doesn’t know what to do with menopausal women. They said I would start to feel better and everything would go back to normal. Well, that’s bullshit. It just numbed me out more, so that’s when I got in touch with a naturopathic doctor. I was put on a protocol and I would feel good for short bits of time to only take a dive again. Nothing really worked for me.

One day I was laying in my bed while life was passing me by.

I thought to myself how everyone would be just fine if I wasn’t here any longer. I’m good if I leave now. I got up and walked into my kitchen, grabbed a glass and turned on the water and I stood there emotionless. I don’t know how long I was standing at my kitchen sink, but I knew something was very wrong with me. What scared me the most was my thoughts were so clear. Everything was in slow motion.

I called my dr. and made an appointment. I remember sitting in her office explaining how I felt. I was ashamed and embarrassed by what was coming out of my mouth. She explained that she couldn’t diagnose me as clinically depressed and that being in menopause and having Hashimoto’s disease was a double whammy. We came up with a plan of action and I drove home thinking I had to tell my husband.

 Do you know that no one knew my state of mind? No one!  I still don’t think anyone could really know how low I had become. Unless you go through it yourself, you will never know. So don’t judge me or anyone else. This is REAL. 

Did you know suicidal rates in menopausal women have risen by 6%?

And now, research from the Menopause Experts Group has found that suicide rates for women aged between 45 and 54 (the most common age group for perimenopause and menopause have risen by 6% in the past 20 years. Those in this age bracket have the highest suicide rate among all women, with 7.1 deaths per 100,000 women aged 45 to 49, and a rate of 6.9 for 50 to 54-year-olds.

I’m 54 years young and menopausal. Now put that with Hashimoto’s which is a thyroid disease and the rate of suicide rises again. It’s found that patients with Hashimoto’s thyroiditis have an increased frequency of death by suicide. Depression may occur early in Hashimoto’s disease. No one told me this when I first got diagnosed and if they did, I could have recognized it sooner, but instead, I just spiraled. I was obviously so detached and felt like I couldn’t even breathe.  

I tried everything under the sun. You name it I bought it. 

I spent hundreds of dollars on supplements, hormones, neck creams, and every gimmick out there, just so I could feel better. Nothing worked. Furthermore,  I had a rapidly approaching deadline for launching three shows and one being my own.

I would film and stop and repeat that all over again only to delete everything I had recorded because I didn’t like how I looked. I felt fat and somehow my light was completely diminished. 

The only way to explain it is to say it felt like I had plastic wrapped all around me.

My face and body were in this covering and I couldn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel like I could take full breaths and I didn’t want to be seen. Instead, I tried to save others because I gave up on saving myself. That somehow made me feel better. For short periods of time. I would look in the mirror and I didn’t recognize the woman that was staring back at me. And here I teach on mirror work, but how can you practice what you preach if you don’t recognize who you are?

One day, I received a phone call. 

I have to say that the phone call was the start of a new hope and a new focus. And to think I almost turned that opportunity down because I said I was too busy. I guess the time spent on meditation and praying for something to help me had arrived.  I had no idea what was staring me right in the face. It was a product with three powerful ingredients that together, create an intelligence of their own. That’s the only way I can describe it. If you know me, you know I will not endorse something unless I wholeheartedly believe in it. So I tried it. 

The first day I felt it go through my body. I’m in tune with my body and I eat clean. By day three, I knew this elixir was very special. More of this, please!  I began to take this product every day. My brain fog was starting to lift, I had more mental clarity, and the bloating in my stomach was diminishing. I had more energy and I felt great. Look, I still had some off days, but I actually had something new to look forward to. On day, 6 I endorsed the company and became an Ambassador. I was losing weight and my skin looked and felt younger. Could this actually be the answer? I stopped using 90% of the supplements that I was taking.  

The company and the people in it embraced me and I had this sense of belonging again. Everyone I spoke to loved on me and they actually saw me and met me where I was at. No judgment, just plain encouragement. What an alignment between myself and the company I had founded (CHC).

Hallelujah, those angel wings just saved me…..

I went back east to help launch this product. I looked around the room and felt this huge feeling of love. I was stunned by how people I have never ever met were coming up to me and telling me they loved me, and that they were looking forward to meeting me. Just wow. I had so much gratitude. I now had goals that I knew I could achieve because when I believe in something, I don’t stop. I can actually see the light again in my eyes, and I am able to heal myself while I am helping others. I mean that’s why I am here after all. To help others embrace their inner beauty.

By exploring and explaining the science behind menopause, we can build an empowered, supportive community to break this terrible silence once and for all. Together, we can normalize menopause and help build women up. We can give them the proper information to guide them through this tsunami.

I want you to know I care and if your suffering, please reach out to a loved one. You matter.

In a comfortable state of gratitude,