Kerry Romano Zall Do you feel Judged?
As I sit here holding my rainbow-colored sheep stuffy that our Spiritual Adviser, Ingrid, gave me the other day right before our company photoshoot, it’s a reminder of how far I’ve come and what a major breakthrough I’ve had with a blockage from my childhood trauma. As of recently, I had three family members block me from all communication suddenly without any explanation. At first, I took it to heart and allowed it to upset me to the point where it affected my health, sleep and consumed me every day. That old pain in my left side reappeared. An old ulcer reoccurred from when my Mom died when I was sixteen.
I mean, I have always made the effort to see them.
You would think it was a sign for me to recognize, but I did not at first. Just one day after another sitting in this complete lack of caring and then just shutting me out like that really started to get to me. I was trying to comprehend and understand why my people didn’t reach out and communicate with me. After all, I am family. If I have a problem with someone I articulate what it is and work through it. As a life coach, I know this shutdown comes from an ego/pride headspace and I know fear feeds it.
Did I keep asking myself why?
Of course, I did! And then all the old patterns came rushing in. There right in front of me, that dark ugly story was bubbling up to the surface and was trying to take over my whole being. Like it was in charge of me?! The self-doubt came rushing in and the sleepless nights. I tried calling and texting with nothing in return. What did I do? I wasn’t able to grieve with my family when my nephew died and my way was expressing my grief through my article. Did I say too much? Or maybe being so authentic and exposing myself so deeply was offensive to them? I can only do me.
I’m now understanding this has brought up layers of grief. Starting with my Mother. I guess I never really dealt with that since I had my family so close and they surrounded me with love at that time. Love really does heal all things…
Being shunned by my family members has brought up all the negative things that were ever said to me. They were replaying in my head things like, “She is weird,” “I listened to her while my friends spoke to her and she couldn’t hold up a conversation,” “Something is wrong with her.” I overheard my family members say these things even though I was only eight years old and had recently been diagnosed with Dyslexia.
I wasn’t confident, I was lost.
That title scared me and at that age, I couldn’t get the words out. I remember singing and performing at the end of my driveway as a little girl that moved here from NY and felt lost. I would take my dolls and we would perform for all my neighbors and cars driving by. I felt like I was in my world until a family member would walk past me with her friends and call me retarded and weird.
Growing up, I always felt different. It didn’t help to get teased and be put down. Thank Goodness for my parents, they believed in me, they always knew I would succeed. This energy was food for my soul. They gave me positive empowerment and I felt like I could accomplish anything and I did, but the story always lingered. There always has been judgment, but I learned to move through it. As long as I leave people better, I’m good. Life presents lessons and it is up to us to learn from them.
I’m here to say it’s okay that you’re different, the odd one out, you know the rainbow sheep of the family? There will always be people out there including your childhood family that may not agree with how you are living your life. They might call you “weird” or say, “something is wrong with her/him” or try to get others along on their bandwagon. Maybe even judge you in front of others. Remember they own it. When people treat you badly, trust it’s because they feel bad about themselves and they are projecting this energy onto others.
As you already know in past articles I dive deep into projects, it’s my therapy.
My time. My last project up to date was cutting and laying backsplash into my pool bathroom. It was so satisfying for me to finish it. That following Monday I woke up, took my son to school, and instead of walking through the main door to return home I went through the room I have been remodeling and I stopped and looked at this brilliant job I did. I stood there and boom it hit me! I was overcome with such gratitude for my family members who blocked me! Yes, you heard me correctly.
I was grateful that they decided to do this because I finally realized that all the deep work I have been doing with Ingrid, was a story that was blocked in my body. How ironic I was blocked and it was blocked. I had a radical heart-opening experience.
I’m talking about the put-downs. The self-doubt and at some point in my childhood I adopted them to be true. And it is why I have yoyoed in my weight most of my life. It was my protection.
I allowed these stories to enter my body during the last few months of dealing with this disconnect from my family. I allowed the sadness to enter my body. I recognize that when I allow different emotions to enter me and don’t deal with it head-on, I’m overcome with emotion and allow the emotion to marinate in me at a cellular level. These emotions feed off my weakness. They attack my insecurities. I can relate this experience to many years ago when my son was in a motorcycle accident and had a Traumatic Brain Injury. Then too, I allowed fear to enter my body and without dealing with it head-on I gained 30 pounds. Then too, I needed my protection. I now recognize that this is a pattern that stems from my childhood trauma.
The only way to understand this if you haven’t dived deep into your unique karmic layers of compression and emotional baggage referring to your negative, unprocessed emotions from past experiences.
What happened to me in my pool bathroom that day was an interruption of the stress that had escalated. It paused in one moment that gave me peace deep down at a cellular level. You see we are all constantly cycling and repeating patterns. At that moment, this interruption ended the final stage and transformed it, and that my friends ended the pattern. It ends the karmic hold. What a beautiful thing to stand back and finely be free of it and be grateful.
I was brought up with the motto of what goes on in your home stays in your home, but is that healthy to keep things in?
I have always suffered from stomach issues. I hold all my stress in my gut. I think dealing with things head-on is a much healthier way to live life. Who wants to hold on to anger? I know for me it’s not healthy. And brushing it under the carpet doesn’t work for me anymore. All I want is to love and be loved in return. I know myself well and know I only want to make a positive impact on the people I come into contact with. I surround myself with people from all walks of life and I try to never judge people because you never know what their lives look like. So if someone says something that sounds off the wall, I always think to myself he or she may be going through something. Be a good listener. Be kind.
My father always taught me the old saying you should never judge a book by its cover. And I do not. I know I have the ability to help people see and embrace their inner light. I have honed over this gift and have developed a set of strong people skills and positive energy that leaves people better. I will always put people first and money second. I will continue to work on myself and live a conscious, organic lifestyle. I will always strive to be better and never throw stones when I live in a glasshouse.
They say that when you’re in a constant state of gratitude, nothing should bother you, but I am a human having a human experience. I feel deeply. I have always done the spiritual deep work on myself to keep me moving and evolving. Even through the bad decisions, going against the universe, or just plane karma, I keep moving forward. We are always learning and working on ourselves to take ourselves to our higher version. The deep work I have been engaged with as of recently is Soulmatic Renewal. It’s the process of coming to know yourself very deeply and from that place of knowing true love.
Ingrid Turner is a Soulmatic Renewal healing Coach and the CHC Spiritual Advisor.
During our time together, she has become intimately familiar with my unique energetic signature, she has taught me simple but immensely effective practices to supercharge my joy. Humans are not designed to struggle. But when we move against our natural rhythms, the struggle is inevitable. When we hang on to stories, beliefs, and triggers that are not authentically ours, we remain stuck in the struggle. The struggle can truly be a thing of the past. Joy can be your primary experience. I am free from years of conditioned unlovability.
I chose to love my life through the insecurities. I exemplify the energy of love. All outcomes are intended to be seen through a lens of love. When you do that it amplifies the next expectation, what I expect to share the greater good. It’s up to us to shift the energy towards love.
Are you also the rainbow sheep of your family? Do you feel judged? Could it be an old story/block that no longer serves you, if so please check out the monthly classes we provide
To my family, I am sorry you’re hurting and in pain. I am in pain also. I’m sorry if I said or did something you didn’t approve of. I am me and sharing my life is now an open book. Being authentic is key to what I do. I love you no matter what.
In a comfortable state of gratitude,
Kerry Romano Zall