Women, focus on your own needs and purpose

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  • Sonika Tinker, MSW, Co-Founder 3 min read
How to make decisions in a relationship

“The most remarkable thing is that now I focus more on my own needs, purpose, and passions. I am happier than I have ever been, and I have been receiving more affection and love than ever before!” Lara. 

 “I feel very clear that I will never return to my old ways of searching outside of myself for my partner to fulfill me. I have truly embodied the concept of self-nourishment and staying grounded and centered in my deep wisdom”. Karen

 Our own needs and satisfaction

Karen and Lara were two of the women who attended my Women’s Retreat (on separate occasions; they don’t know each other). A while after they attended, they both sent me a snippet of their experience.

 Having coached women for over 40 years, I’m no longer surprised to hear how liberated they felt focusing on their own needs and satisfaction. Despite being powerful, independent, competent, professional individuals, the women I coach in my practice or at retreats almost always share the experience of tending to everyone else’s needs while neglecting their own.

 We women tend to be very relationally oriented. We naturally notice, and care about, what others around us need to be happy and satisfied. We expend a lot of energy fulfilling those needs. Feeding babies, driving kids around, supporting families, keeping a clean environment, tending to elderly parents, making our partners feel loved, you name it (and that’s before we talk about our full-time jobs!)

The light and dark side of giving

 Our drive to take care of others’ needs has an altruistic loving upside and a self-negating exhausting downside. On the upside, we have so much love to share; we thrive deeply when we can ensure the well-being of our loved ones. Much like Mother Earth herself, the act of giving unconditionally, without a need for repayment, is built into us.

 But like the moon that guides our cycles, this drive to give also has a dark side. In the shadow of our minds we hear the messages passed on through generations: Your job is to make others happy. You don’t deserve any better. If you can’t make your family happy, you’ve failed.

 We all know how this plays out. We take care of everybody else at the expense of our own needs. Resentment follows soon after. That’s why it’s so significant to hear the women above talking about “I focus more on my own needs, purpose, and passions” and “I will never return to my old ways of searching outside of myself for my partner to fulfill me”.

 The dark side would often tell us it’s risky to focus on our own needs and that we might lose love and appreciation as a result. But as Lara said, the exact opposite happens: “I am happier than I have ever been, and I have been receiving more affection and love than ever before!” 

 We do everyone a favor by prioritizing our own needs and passions. When we do, we have even more love and care to give to the important people in our lives. Never forget, YOU are one of the important people in your life!


We believe relationships are meant to be an empowering, fun, passionate, safe place to grow, love, and learn. Where we get to be more of who we are, not less. We know it’s not always easy, but it can definitely be easier! With our unique and practical approach to relationship, you learn how to resolve conflicts quickly and enjoy fulfilling intimacy for the rest of your life. To learn more or contact us, visit www.loveworkssolution.com.

Sonika Tinker

Sonika Tinker, MSW & Christian Pedersen We are a married couple, husband/wife team, who have devoted our lives to studying and teaching love and relationship, and we are still happy and in love after many years of being together (we walk our talk). Our clients say we are wise, experienced relationship master trainers and relationship experts – we like to think of ourselves as "relationship awesome-izers". We are the co-owners of LoveWorks, a leading-edge transformational relationship training company, where we daily delight in empowering couples and singles to transform their relationships from stuck to soaring in a fun, positive, and practically useful way. https://loveworkssolution.com/